Letters to God

At the urging of my father, last weekend my best friend Julie and I went to see a movie called Letters to God. Oh my goodness, bring the kleenex. It was a great story centered around a little boy who has cancer. The same cancer Jackson had. He even had the same scar down the back of his head like Jackson did. I ached for the mom, I felt every ounce of her pain. I felt her frustrating and I felt her fear. Most of all, I felt the love that she felt for her son. The brave boy in this movie was at least 8 years old, but he gave me some great perspective on things Jackson was probably feeling and thinking in his little two year old head. Things like, "God today I feel really icky, but I still want to play light sabers with my daddy." Or, "God, my mum looks sad today, so I am going to give her extra love." I think children, even young children like Jackson really have a grip on what life is about when they are faced with an illness. Jackson and I are so incredibly lucky that God chose us to be together. No one can ever take that feeling away and for that I am so, so very blessed! So now I am urging you to see this movie. More importantly love your children, forever and always!

A Life to Celebrate

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy." This was in the card I received today from Dr. Martin Wakeham'. He is the wonderful critical care doctor that was with us the day Jackson went to be with Jesus. It's even hard to write that down. It has been one whole year, 365 days since I last held my baby in my arms. One year since I have heard him say I love you mum. It has also been one year that my angel has been living a beautiful life, cancer free and happy. I thank God everyday for taking such great care of Jackson till I can be with him again. Many emotions have hit me today, most have come and gone in waves. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, there is not a play by play handbook for something like this. This morning mom, Max, Brian, Tammy and my niece Maddie had a balloon launch at Moraine Hills. I chose a colorful butterfly balloon...Jackson would have loved it! We all stood close together, counted to three, let our balloons go and on the top of our lungs yelled, "We love you Jackson!" Another proud mom moment. After that I had a nice lunch with Brandt and Devin. Devin is a very smart eight year old and absolutely loves and misses his brother. We decided to go to Veterans Memorial Park in town to do our launch. Devin's balloon of choice, a smiley face. Being the sweet boy he is, Devin wrote a short poem to Jackson on a green heart that he cut out. We attached the poem to the balloon and off that went to the heavens. Together Brandt and I took a moment to reflect on our year, and just how blessed we are that Jackson called us mum and daddy.

Today the Northwest Herald published a nice story and video. I am including the links for you all to take a look. Thanks again so much to Crystal and Amanda from the paper. You have done such a great job honoring Jackson's legacy.


Article http://www.nwherald.com/articles/2010/04/02/r_fsvj8mm4q9wqasw562pkuw/index.xml
Video http://ssm.nwherald.com/northwest-herald/video/20100405Jackson/remembering-jackson/

For those of you with children, I urge you to give them and extra hug and kiss today. Tell them how much you love them and how proud you are to be their mom or
dad.

If you are able donate even a little, here are a few of the wonderful organizations I support.

Pediatric Cancer Research Foundation www.pcrf-kids.org
Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation www.pbtfus.org
American Brain Tumor Association www.abta.org
Children's Hospital of Wisconsin www.chw.org
Stand Up To Cancer www.standup2cancer.org

Let's help get closer to a cure!

Jackson

These pictures were taken last February by a photographer from the Northwest Herald. Thanks to Amanda Schwengel for capturing some very special memories.

Really People?

So that past few days have been pretty eventful, at least for me. First things first, back to the drawing board as far as fundraising is concerned. It's totally ok, I refuse to feel defeated. I pretty much have no shame when it comes to asking people for help anyway. I even emailed Oprah and Ellen! :) Maybe you guys should do the same. Wink Wink.

Saturday I went with my dad to the West Campus to visit Jackson's rock and to help my dad with a ribbon on the maple tree. I urge you all to take a peak if you get the chance. Anyway as we were finishing up some boy in a car driving by yelled something not so nice about Jackson to us. At first I was in shock, then livid. Now, I just feel sorry for that ignorant piece of trash. I do however dare that coward to say what he said to my face. YOU NEVER MESS WITH A MOTHER OR HER CHILD!!

Tomorrow I am meeting with the video production teacher at the high school to be part of a St. Baldrick's video. I am getting pretty used to all this now. It's a far cry from Sophomore year speech class. I guess you can talk forever about something that you are so passionate about. :)

On a girly note, I am super psyched I have lost 10.2 pounds doing weight watchers! It is ridiculous how happy I was to get another yellow star sticker.

So til next times kids! Keep thinking happy thoughts!

A Mother's Love Knows No Limits Or Boundries!

Fundraising has been on my brain since last August. We had a good turn out at the roller skating event at Just For Fun and everyone had a blast. We were even able to donate a nice check to the Pediatric Cancer Research Foundation. So thanks to everyone who helped support that, especially the kind folks at Walla-Pa-Looza! It is my goal to have a fundraiser in September for Pediatric Cancer Awareness month. Something that has a HUGE draw so we can raise a boat load of money for a great cause. There is one small problem. NO ONE IS GETTING BACK TO ME!!! Highly frustrating! I have written and called countless people and not one person has called or written back. I refuse to give up. A mother's love knows no limits or boundaries! Help me help a great cause. Please know people, who know people, who know people. I can't do this alone. I have a few really outstanding ideas that I would like...neigh...LOVE to have become a reality. If I can help make it so another family doesn't have to go through pediatric cancer than I am going to do everything I can. Can anyone help make this a reality?

Weirdness

So yesterday I was stressing big time. Stressing about finding a job, stressing about my living situation, stressing about my impending divorce, stressing about Easter and the first anniversary of Jackson's passing. You name it and I was stressing about it! More times than others I feel like my stress is a one way ticket to the loony bin, but in one brief moment something came over me. Just like that, no joke! I was suddenly overcome with a sense of calm. As if someone was telling me that everything would work it's self out and that I didn't need to waste my time feeling so frustrated and angry. The only thing I can say to that is....THANK YOU JACKSON!

My Angel Jackson

Most of you know about Jackson, but for those of you that don't it is my honor to tell you his story. From the very beginning Jackson had the ability to change people. He had this amazing gift to soften hard hearts, put a sparkle back in someone’s eyes and the most notable, to make everyone smile. Jackson was a lover as well. Always hugging, kissing, and making sure you knew that he loved you. He was enjoying the life of a happy two year old. The month of December 2008 was extremely trying for our family. I had just suffered a miscarriage and we noticed that our Jackson was not his usual self. It was our hope that everyone was healthy for the Christmas holiday. During this time Jackson started having difficulty keeping his balance and was unable to keep anything down. We thought he was just coming down with something. After a trip to the doctor’s office and urgent care we decided to take him to the ER of our local hospital on December 31st. That day will forever be etched in my brain. That is the day my world came to a screeching halt. After an initial exam it was decided that a CT scan was in order. Moments later we received the news that no parent should ever hear. Jackson had a golf ball sized tumor on the bottom area of his brain. My initial reaction was to scream and cry out. Instead I automatically put myself in the role of holding everything and everyone together. I cuddled with my Jackson and let him know just how much he was loved by everyone. Hours later we were taken by ambulance to the Children's Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee (we live in the NW suburbs of IL.) Upon arrival we were completely overwhelmed with questions of family history and what this brain tumor meant for Jackson. It was totally surreal and intimidating trying to make sense of all this new information they were spewing at us. Scared out of my mind we spent our New Years snuggling in a hospital bed closely monitored by the doctors and nurses in the PICU. The following day Jackson had an EVD put in his head to relieve all the fluid and pressure that was causing his symptoms. The day after that my brave little boy went into 6 hour surgery to remove the tumor from his brain. It was a success. The pathology report showed that Jackson would need more than surgery to make sure the tumor would not return. This cancer was serious and needed to be treated with chemotherapy. The full name is called Medulloblastoma. It is rare and hard to treat. Before chemotherapy could start Jackson had another surgery to place a central line. Again, something no parent and child should be exposed to. From January to March we spent many days and nights in the hospital receiving chemo treatments and staying in for sick visits. Jackson didn't even seem to mind when he lost his hair. He took everything in stride. Always inviting his nurses and doctors into his room on 8East to watch a movie, play with play-doh, or just to giggle. Rarely would you see Jackson unhappy. We were very hopeful up until the end of March when during a unusually long sick visit doctors found cancer cells in his spinal fluid. At that moment I prayed the hardest prayer I have ever had to pray. "Lord heal my son or take him home to be with you." I prayed that prayer every night. A week and a half later we were back at the hospital for what I thought was going to be another sick visit. This was the first time I saw my Jackson truly unhappy. His words to me were, "mum I wanna go ni ni." Looking back now I know what he really meant. Less then 24 hours later his dad and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. Do to unforeseen complications our Jackson was not going to come back to us. We agreed to let our precious baby pass in the loving arms of his mom and dad and surrounding family and 8 East nurses. It was the most bittersweet moment I have ever had in my life. Even towards the end of his battle he always made sure to get a smile and laugh out of you. As his mom I can tell you first hand that this special little boy has taught me way more than I could have ever taught him. He has taught me that we should all follow our hearts. We all deserve what we want out of life no matter what anyone says, every single person matters, and the best lesson, to love one another unconditionally. Even though his father and I miss him dearly, he is still helping us find happiness in everyday. Looking back now I can see that Jackson was our angel here on earth. And now he is our beautiful angel up in heaven watching over us. I am so proud of the impact Jackson has had on all the lives he has touched. He brought a community together and he made us all take a step back and remember what life is all about and how we should live it. It has been 11 months since Jackson’s passing and his legacy is in full bloom. To our excitement the city we reside in dedicated a street to him properly named Honorary Jackson Grabow Way. McHenry High School West Campus had a maple tree planted in honor of Jackson (He was their Honor Child for St. Baldrick’s Day. The students raised money for us as well as St. Baldrick’s.) Next to the tree is a large rock etched with his name and a fitting description,” A short life that inspired many.” I am so proud to be called his mom.
The reason for this blog is simple. I want to share Jackson’s story. I want to let other families know that they are not alone. I want to share how important cancer research is. It is sorely underfunded. There are far too many families that have been affected by this awful disease. We all know what an ugly word cancer is, especially when you add children to the mix. Fundraising is the way to get closer to a cure. It is my prayer that one day parents can put the fear of cancer behind them.
I am excited about starting up fundraising in my area. I want to do everything I can to honor Jackson as well as all the other children that have endured this thing called cancer. I will do anything and everything to make this happen. Rarely would I venture outside my comfort zone, but Jackson has given me the courage to do so. I knew that I would kick myself if I didn't share Jackson's story and how he has changed so many people, and his “mum.” It amazes me that my little angel has touched and changed so many individuals. Basically I am just a mom who wants to spread the amazing gift she was given by her 2 year old son.

Here it goes!

Life. A roller coaster would definitely be and understatement. I wanted to try my hand at blogging mostly as a chance to feel like I was actually being heard. My bestie has said blogging is like a stress reliever. So why don't I start at the beginning.